Barack Hussein Has Weapons of Mass Destruction!

The most humorous event of election night was McCain’s concession speech. The speech itself was uninteresting; a predictable end to a weak campaign, but the camera kept panning over the assembled supporters. Amidst a quintessential Republican golf-course landscape stood a sea of white faces drawn in fear and confusion. Tears ran in rivulets through gobs of mascara on female faces as they huddled close to their men, who stood stoic like oak stumps before the gathering storm of Obamaism.

Their commander was defeated, as they had expected. Knocked out in the first round, he submitted to the victor. Now his minions looked as if they expected to be lined up and shot. Would Scottsdale survive, or should they block off all the streets with burnt-out Suburbans, like in Mogadishu? Taking the helm of the U.S.S. Freedom was a mulatto named Mumbo-Jumbo, a half-Kenyan Hawaiian who dined with anarchist bomb-throwers and the Muslim Brotherhood. While their man was face down in the mud, killing gooks for Freedom like a red-blooded American ought, Mumbo-Jumbo was being raised a stone’s throw off, in the Islamic bastion of Indonesia. His spiritual advisor was a Black Nationalist who wore a fez. He spoke to great hordes of godless intellectuals, sexual deviants, and tropical animals in the Byzantine cities with strong words on selflessness and homosexuality. At the same time he seduced the simple Christian farmer with the snake eyes of the Antichrist. Was it the End Times?

This all came about because Obama had captured the sacred fire of the mythical narrative. The Republicans had destroyed their “Leave it to Beaver” vision. It had died on the vine, crushed under the weight of its champions’ corruption and incompetence. America, the Predominantly White Midwestern Village was now America, the Place Where Anything Can Happen. America, where the product of miscegenation with a funny name can work hard and reach the top. America, the color-blind, land of multi-cultural tolerance, equal opportunity, Hope and Change. No longer would the Democrats be scrambling around, trying to appear more pious and God-fearing and flag-waving than the Republicans. They had their own story now.

The new mythical landscape leaves Republicans with two options come the 2010 midterm elections, when they begin their campaign to unseat Obama. They can either run Bobby Jindal or a real, hard-bitten Nazi.

In the former case, they’d co-opt Obama’s narrative, speak in his terms, like John Kerry in 2004, and look just as ridiculous. This strategy would leave the Republican base at the polls scratching its head, wondering “Hmm, Piyush Jindal or Barack Obama? Well, definitely not Obama. Oh, Jesus, what the heck is America coming to? What else… Measure to ban homoerotic cuddling on television in Bohefus County? Good Lord, yes!” Eventually, they’d write-in “Bucky Wheeler, country singer” or whatever else came to mind. The Republicans will probably take this route if Obama is comfortably popular, and it will probably fail.

In the latter case, the Republicans would have to find a xenophobic fanatic with a twist, like that she’s a woman. That way, they could neutralize Obama’s diversity story without making any concessions as to its merit. McCain was uncomfortable being cast into the role of the Last Hope of the Bigots. This candidate would have to relish it. Her counter-narrative would be pure hellfire and brimstone, a picture of bizarre predators circling the quiet village of Mayfield. The RNC would change its logo to a silhouette of a wolf’s head over a red background. The convention would be held in a giant field in Alabama, lit by towering kerosene torches. There would be a fad amongst followers of the candidate to shave their heads, and there would be a lot of singing and chanting. “I’m just a small-town mother of sixteen, just like you!” the candidate would say to warm up the crowd. Then: “Barack Hussein Obama is a puppet of the Ayatollah! He holds cannibalistic séances with Rastafarian voodoo priests!” Pause for foot-thumping. “The Chinese are overrunning to mainland! In the name of God, we must act now!” This strategy would probably work if Obama was wallowing in impotence while the nation faced an existential threat, like a total economic meltdown or some kind of Oriental aggression, and it would usher in an age of darkness.

Assuming Obama isn’t assassinated and that he does his job at least moderately well, it’ll be a difficult fight either way. Bush was reelected after four years of incoherent speeches and worldwide riots, so Obama has very small shoes to fill. The nation itself isn’t much Changed since back then. The electoral map still looks like America circa 1861, with a few notable exceptions (Sherman has captured Virginia).

Anything Can Happen in America. We can go from a potbellied hedonist from Hope, Arkansas to a hard-drinking Napoleonic cowboy asshole to an ice-cold intellectual with a black poker face. America, the schizophrenic.