Wednesday, February 1, 2006

The Lazy People: Fieldwork Among the Trustafari

An indigenous Trustafarian gathers spare change in his native habitat

Part One: The Odorous Patchouli; Life at a Trustafarian Village

I gasped as I looked up and saw three hulking Trustafarian warriors looking at me down the barrels of their grimy bongs. I had traveled to their physical nucleus, Redwood Park, to become the first participant observer to study their prehistoric society from within. Behind the warriors, the tribe was holding a drum circle, and waves of odor washed over me; hash smoke, patchouli, sweat, dirt, dogshit. Several females where “noodle dancing” in the circle, waving their hands slowly through the air, and their male counterparts swayed back and forth in a hallucinogenic stupor as they drummed on incessantly. Elsewhere they sprawled on the wet lawn, the children running around half naked, with numerous packs of mangy puppies and larger dogs barking, running after strangers, and shitting in various parts of the village. Most who weren’t drumming were squatting or lying on the grass in groups, smoking marijuana and tobacco. This was the land of the Trustafarians; a primitive tribe of nomadic panhandlers hailing from the upper-class suburbs of Massachusetts and Connecticut. Driven from their ancestral homeland by The Man, they wander between villages in Southeast Asia and villages along the Pacific Northwest coast of America, vowing to one day to overcome The Man and bring peace to Babylon.

The warriors were dressed in various mismatched, damp garments, mostly made from the ancient fiber hemp. Giant mesh nets adorned their hair, which was clumped in the unique traditional “shitlock” style. They wore a patchwork of quilted material, ballooning, torn cargo pants and sweatshirts, hemp weavings, tie-dye, and various accessories such as hemp necklaces and bud jars. Their strong odor was a combination of dirty musk, marijuana smoke, and patchouli oil. They lowered their bongs. “Nuggets?” one asked, offering to sell me some of the Trustafarians’ sacred herb. I declined, having learned from experience that Trustafari people are miserly in barter.

The Trustafarians are not skilled in any means of substantial resource production, and their main source of sustenance is the trust fund, accessed via auto teller machines all over their country. Their very way of life relies on this precious resource, yet they seem to take it for granted that Mother Earth will always provide trust fund for the righteous Trustafarian people; indeed, theirs appears to be an attitude of callous disregard for the crucial trust fund. Trustafarians supplement their trust fund by aggressively gathering spare change, a common but unfruitful resource that can be easily obtained by pushy solicitation of alien outsiders who happen to pass through Trustafarian lands. The trust fund is further supplemented by cottage industries that produce innocuous do-dads of all sorts, mainly made of hemp or glass and related to the smoking of marijuana (usual items include pillow bags, bongs, pipes, etc), and intense barter of marijuana and other life necessities. The Trustafarian is especially skilled at moving large amounts of marijuana and marijuana paraphernalia along the coastal corridor between the California Bay Area and Portland, taking advantage of small price variations along the way to cut a meager profit. He is also a cunning trader, always seeking to get the upper hand in negotiations by selling bunk product or running off with his counterpart’s cash before closing the deal. Thus the Trustafarian survives off his land, and his progeny carry the torch of Trustafarianism into the next generation.

The Trustafarian culture appropriates heavily from Jamaican Rastafari culture, but most Trustafarians appear ignorant to many specific elements of Rasta, such as its orthodox Christian theology, betray a limited understanding of Rasta in general, and merely flaunt its trappings. They also worship a different deity, the loosely-defined “Mother Earth,” who is generally seen as benevolent but incomprehensible. Most Trustafarians, while espousing a philosophy of deep ecology and harmony with Mother Earth, would probably die promptly if forced to actually survive in the wilderness. Their conception of the world outside the Trustafarian lands usually betrays a total incoherence of philosophy and a weak intellect. What we in the west would call blatant hypocrisy the Trustafarians do not appear to consider unreasonable. Furthermore, they do not value discourse, instead communicating their views with simplistic affirmations.

The unfortunate dullness of the typical Trustafarian may be attributed to his lifestyle, which usually involves heavy abuse of hallucinogens. Trustafarians believe that the visions they experience while consuming various mixes of powerful hallucinogenic drugs are sacred and offer insight into reality. The Trustafarians like to combine the drug ecstacy, which is derived from sacred herbs by far away shamans, with mushrooms or acid; this is called “Hippie Flipping” and “Candy Flipping,” respectively. Flipping is a religious experience that brings the Trustafarian closer to Mother Earth, helps him battle The Man, and provides him with visions of self-discovery. “Mudflower,” for example, got his name when he came to from a powerful hallucination and found himself wallowing in a trench of mud next to a cow pasture, surrounded by beautiful, blooming daisies. “Purple” got his name when he came to inside the county jail, having been beaten purple by police the night before while on a particularly intense vision quest at the Bus Circle.

The Trustafarians, in deference to Mother Earth, refuse to wash their bodies, their clothing, or their vehicles under any circumstances. Hygiene is seen as a Babylonian perversion of the natural order. Only once a year, during their annual reggae festival, do the Trustafarians and their dogs bathe in the holy Eel River, and it runs black for a month thereafter. As part of their commitment to a hygiene-free lifestyle, the Trustafarians wear their hair in a style similar to, but slightly different from, that of the Jamaican Rastafari. Rastafarians are black, while Trustafarians are a white people from Connecticut, and the two have very different hair structures. Blacks’ hair is usually coarse and lends itself to the development of “dreadlocks.” Caucasian hair, on the other hand, is usually strait and smooth, and when not washed or combed soon clumps into stringy, random clusters that resemble dogshit, described as “shitlocks,” which they anoint with patchouli oil. The Trustafarians bear their shitlocks with pride, knowing that their particular means of sustenance do not require job interviews or any socialization whatsoever with non-Trusties, who sometimes find their dogshit-resembling, patchouli-reeking locks offensive. The pungent odor of bodily fluids which each Trusty cultivates is also bared with pride. Furthermore, the Trustafarian rarely, if ever, wears shoes, and the soles of the feet are black, hardened, and intensely odorous. Though I did not fully grasp the concept during my stay with the Trustafarians, this lifestyle is considered a vague political statement of some sort.

Trustafarians move about their country, especially in the Portland to Bay Area corridor, in everything from late-model Land Cruisers, stylishly dented, to ancient, rusting utility vans, to full-size Winnebago motor homes, mostly built from scratch with the super-resource, trust fund. The vehicles are loaded with hitchhikers, usually unfortunate Trustafarians who, due to western development pressures, have finally lost access to their traditional source of sustenance, trust fund. Any Trustafarian convoy is welcome at any Trustafarian village at any time, and when one arrives, intense barter of marijuana and smoking paraphernalia usually ensues, enriching the Trustafarian tribe. Also, there is likely to be a ceremonial drum circle, accompanied by mass Flipping, and Flipping-induced procreation between random Trustafarians. The next day, the village may be empty as all convoys have moved closer to Portland or San Francisco, depending on the season and its corresponding migration.

The Trustafarian’s natural nemesis is “The Man.” The Man is a much larger, more powerful western tribe, with a geographic territory that completely surrounds the Trustafarian lands. The Man always threatens the Trustafarian with jail time for drug possession and illegal camping; indeed, He threatens the very Trustafarian way of life and culture. The Man wants the Trustafarians to give up their nomadic ways and support Babylon. The Trustafarian, according to Trustafarian theology, must battle The Man by frequently Flipping, moving about the country in an erratic, aimless pattern of evasive action, and refusing to take his offers of employment, which are corrupting and offensive to Mother Earth.

It was at this Redwood Park Trustafarian village that I first met Horseflower and Sativa Seed, who would become two of my most important resident assistants as I carried out my field work amongst the exotic Trusafari people.

Next: Part Two: Travels With Horseflower and Sativa Seed

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Newton's CV


Newton Poindexter
123 Gated Faux Cobblestone Lane
Rancho Cucamonga, CA 91739
Phone: (909) 555-0123
Fax: (909) 555-4567

President of the United States – Washington D.C., U.S.A.
(2008-2028)
Oversaw several devastating regional wars and disastrous economic stimulus plans, passed several poorly-worded bills, and won five elections despite constitutionally-mandated term limits. Appointed entire body of current Supreme Court.

Queen of England – London, England, British Empire
(1558-1603)
Served forty-five years as despot of worldwide empire. Defeated attempted coup by Mary Queen of Scots. Defeated Spanish Armada. Put down Irish rebellion and Essex rebellion.

Emperor of Rome – Rome, Roman Empire
(50 B.C.-390)
Served 440 years as emperor of the known universe. Problems with northern campaigns were mostly due to team incoherence, rigid management structure, and dogmatic corporate philosophy. More success with weak tribes in the south.

Pharaoh of Egypt – Memphis, Egypt
(2959 B.C. -332 B.C.)
Served several thousand years as working leader of top five ancient empire. Oversaw multiple large-scale construction projects. Engineered merger with smaller upper-Nile firm. Successfully outmaneuvered three rival attempts at hostile takeover. Resigned after hostile takeover by Alexander the Great.

Son of God – Nazareth, Israel
(5 B.C. -30)
Served 35 years as God’s liaison on Earth. Performed miracles. Spurred worldwide worship movement.

References available upon request.

To Be Delivered Upon Reciept of my Nobel Prize in Literature


Dear Colleagues,

I cannot begin to express my gratitude for the honor that you have bestowed upon me with this notable award. I cannot thank you, my dear colleagues and friends, enough. Thank you!

[applause]

Though I am not usually one to toot my own horn [laughs], I must tell you the remarkable story of this literary project. I hope that I do not bore you; I’m not much of a story teller.

This award is an incredible accomplishment, one that I worked half-heartedly for almost six months to achieve. I cannot begin to express how easy it was for me to win. You cannot fathom the ease with which I went about winning this Nobel Prize.

[applause]

Throughout my life, I have had a vague desire to write something meaningful, but until recently I lacked the motivation or confidence in my skills to pursue my “dream.” I spent most of my time drinking and complaining about the state of the world, consumed by bitterness and cynicism. Indeed, my behavior and attitude is much the same today as it was then.

[applause]

By the time I hit 43, I had spent two decades as a disgruntled Federal Express courier in Clayton, Alabama. My doctor told me that my alcohol abuse had left my organs in disrepair, and I could expect to need costly transplants within ten years. I had neglected to save a nest egg, and could not turn to my estranged family for assistance. Something had to be done.

[applause]

I resolved to write a book. With strong sales I figured I could earn enough royalties to pay for care of my decrepit body as it disintegrated piece by piece. But I didn’t have any ideas. So I ordered a book of plots online, and after several minutes of deliberation, chose plot number 387 as the basis for my book.

[applause]

Of course, I had never bothered to develop my faculties as a writer, and my prose was quite crude. So I hired a young English student at the local state college to ghostwrite and edit for me. I would write about a paragraph, and she would change it all around and expand it to several pages. Within six months, we had several hundred pages extrapolated from plot 387; that is, the cheating husband/closet-homosexual wife/prying neighbor plot. Those of you who have read the book may recognize those elements from my story.

[applause]

When we were ready to publish, I ran into trouble. No publisher was initially willing to consider my book for a real printing run. But I resolved to overcome this minor setback. Promising my ghostwriter a cut of the profits, I convinced her to seduce the vice-president of marketing for Random House. She was a charming and attractive young woman, and had a remarkable way with words. Within a couple months I had a contract for a five-thousand copy run. Quite an accomplishment for a first book!

[applause]

After that, it was all gravy. My book won the New York Times Book Award, the Los Angeles Times Book Award, the Pulitzer, the Faulkner Award, the Caldecott Medal, and now the Nobel Prize for Literature. Here I am today, before you, after a shockingly easy run to the top. Thank you once again for the million dollars. I have no other comments. If the press would like to field questions, please see my lawyer.

[applause]

Monday, January 23, 2006

Gays Are Hopeless Sinners

Recently there has been a debate in the editorial pages of our fine rag regarding gays and their supposed rights. Have we lost our minds? Clearly there should be no debate. Gays are the hell-spawn of Beelzebub. They are evil sick perverts who hate America and degrade the sanctity of our most precious traditions, such as paternalism, spreading freedom, and the marriage of one subordinate woman to one dominant man. If we allow gays to take over, the human race will quickly die off from AIDS and lack of procreation, a form of implicit punishment so perfect that only God could have engineered it.

First of all, a lot of armchair generals here on campus apparently have a problem with the military’s ban on gays. Obviously, their raving homophilia has rendered them unable to critically analyze the issue. How can a gay who loves men be expected to kill men? There is no room in the military for gays because they cannot be trusted to resist the advances of enemy troops. It is entirely within the scope of reason to imagine that if the military was compromised by gays, we would not have achieved our stunning victories in Afghanistan and Iraq, and ten million women and children never would have voted.

Furthermore, if gays are allowed to marry, as has been suggested by several flaming sodomites, people will soon be marrying rocks and sheep, or even multiple rocks and sheep at the same time. In the Bible it says that marriage has always been between one man and one woman. This is an integral part of the Judeo-Roman nation that Thomas Franklin and the other Founding Fathers created in the summer of 1769. Benjamin Harrison certainly wouldn’t have wanted gays to be married, and neither would Jesus. This was so well understood in the late sixteenth century that a constitutional amendment articulating it was not considered necessary, something our President and many individual states have recently been working hard to rectify in the face of terrifying whordes of uppity gays. The thought of a gay marriage is also anathema to anyone who respects the rights of the unborn child. Gays’ routine bouts of sodomy subject millions of potential children to the risk of never being conceived, and thus are not much different from mass murder. Besides, if the gays marry, they may be allowed to adopt children, and we will have on our hands a whole new generation of sexually abused homosexuals to institutionalize.
Gays and other pot-smoking communists continually assert that God loves everyone, including hopeless sinners like themselves. God doesn’t love everyone; first of all, He’s not gay. God loves some heterosexual people butt definitely hates all gays. Jesus made His commandments regarding homosexuality very clear, according to scholars at the Church of the Southern Scientist of Latter-Day Resurrection of the Lord Chapel, who have unearthed a lost testament in caves around the Dead Sea. In plain Israeli, it says that Jesus condemned all gays to eternal hellfire during His last hours nailed to the cross. Then, when he came back from the dead, He once again spouted a caustic tirade against sodomy, homosexuality, gays in the military, and abortion sluts. The scrolls clear up any moral disputes we may have previously had about these issues.

Once, I met a gay. Some gays at least have the decency to loath themselves, butt this guy was shameless. He even had an ear ring—in his right ear. Needless to say, I refused to speak to him, butt his mere presence was seriously alarming. Don’t gays have to register in some sort of national database or something? They are a public health risk; just look at Africa, the gayest of continents, judging from its AIDS rate. Millions of people around the world are dying as a result of homosexuals’ promiscuity and gay myths about how condoms can stop AIDS. Thank God we have a new Pope with strongly conservative roots who will continue to debunk the gay lies about condoms and make sure none of the priests are gay, and a President who understands that what Africa needs is fewer condoms and gays, not more American-subsidized sodomy.

We should be emulating the policies of progressive countries like Saudi Arabia in regards to the Gay-Lesbian-Transhomo-Whoknowswhatitis community. In Saudi Arabia, they have a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy that extends to all society, enthusiastically enforced by the mutaween. Perhaps George W. Bush should consider forming a similar group of mullahs to enforce morality here in America. Such a group is desperately needed right now, what with the proliferation of wholesale gay propaganda like the children’s shows “Spongebob Squarepants” and “The Teletubbies.” The gays are getting them early these days, and not just on the internet. That’s just gay.

The Story of a Team

The team played some American sport; maybe they were pros or maybe just teenagers,
But probably both

They sucked at first. There were some bad social dynamics going on. One guy on the team was kind of a jerk, maybe he was the captain or maybe he was just jealous because he wasn’t

One guy on the team was just a really good guy. Everyone gave a shit about him, except maybe the jerk. He liked a certain girl but she was with this other asshole, who it was later discovered she didn’t really like.

In the beginning of the season, the team lost a lot. Or maybe they were winning.

Then they came up against this other team that was somehow evil. The leader of this team just oozed evil. Though the battle was close, the evil team triumphed at last, and then talked a bunch of shit, and oozed hubris arrogance and evil.

The team was really down after their big loss. Maybe they then suddenly lost their groove and they started loosing. Good guy still can’t get the girl. Mean guy is perhaps starting to show some admirable qualities related to his meanness.

Then some stuff happened, and the team finds themselves in the championship. And who are they playing against but the evil team. The girl is rooting them on. The good guy gets some inspiration from this.

The score is really close the whole time. Both teams are playing their hardest. Evil leader makes some good plays. Good guy makes a good play. Mean guy suddenly is cool and is encouraging good guy. Palpable development of sympathy for mean guy occurs. Maybe he just had a bad childhood but is really good deep down.

It looks really bad for good team at last. Evil team begins premature celebration.
Then good guy makes really miraculous play and good team wins by a hair. Evil team stunned. Evil leader perhaps begins outburst but is quickly forgotten by jubilant crowd.

The mean guy has now completed a shift toward a rough sort of good. Some other peripheral people are being very characteristic. However, the most important thing is that the good guy got the girl. She only liked that other guy for his money/looks anyway, and good guy made such a good play there in the end.

Compilation of Alabama Place Names

Boaz
Crossville
Mountainboro
Albertville
Guntersville
Bucks Point
Langston
Fyffe
Hillboro
Tuscumbia
Cherokee
Russellville
Phil Campbell
Hackleburg
Vina
Hodges
Guin
Gu-Win
Beaverton
Nauvoo
Fayette
Belk
Ethelsville
Gordo
Pickensville
McMullen
Tuscaloosa
Geiger
Epes
Boligee
Eutaw
Forkland
Chickasaw
Faunsdale
Toxey
Gilbertown
Millry
Fulton
Chatom
McIntosh
Creola
Bayou La Batre
Elberta
Pensacola
Milton
Eunola
Slocomb
Malvern
Dothan
Chattahoochee
Gordon
Cowarts
Grimes
Pinckard
Haleburg
Eufaula
Opelika
Lake Ogletree
Loachapoka
Notasulga
Roanoke
Lineville
Wedowee
Waldo
Talladega
Hobson City
Fruithurst
Weaver
Dutton
Henagar
Pisgah
Ider
Mentone
Hammondville
Hytop
Arab
Baileyton
Cullman
Snead
Blountsville
Hanceville
Hokes Bluff
Ragland
Ohatchee
Odenville
Moody
Trussville
Lipscomb
Hoover
Hueytown
Fultondale
West Blocton
Thorsby
Jemison
Clanton
Sylacauga
Gantts Quarry
Childersburg
Wetumpka
Elmore
Deatsville
Prattville
Shorter
Tuskegee
Tallassee
Notasulga
Opelika
Loachapoka
Dadeville
Jacksons Gap
Clayton
Ozark
Pinckard
Clayhatchee
Goshen
Luverne
Petrey
Flomaton
Atmore
Vredenburgh
Beatrice
Locust Fork
Blountsville
Oneonta
Allgood
Altoona
Baileyton
Cullman
Sipsey
Arley
Dora
Sumiton
Billingsley