Newton's CV

Newton Poindexter
123 Gated Faux Cobblestone Lane
Rancho Cucamonga, CA 91739
Phone: (909) 555-0123
Fax: (909) 555-4567

President of the United States – Washington D.C., U.S.A.
(2008-2028)
Oversaw several devastating regional wars and disastrous economic stimulus plans, passed several poorly-worded bills, and won five elections despite constitutionally-mandated term limits. Appointed entire body of current Supreme Court.

Queen of England – London, England, British Empire
(1558-1603)
Served forty-five years as despot of worldwide empire. Defeated attempted coup by Mary Queen of Scots. Defeated Spanish Armada. Put down Irish rebellion and Essex rebellion.

Emperor of Rome – Rome, Roman Empire
(50 B.C.-390)
Served 440 years as emperor of the known universe. Problems with northern campaigns were mostly due to team incoherence, rigid management structure, and dogmatic corporate philosophy. More success with weak tribes in the south.

Pharaoh of Egypt – Memphis, Egypt
(2959 B.C. -332 B.C.)
Served several thousand years as working leader of top five ancient empire. Oversaw multiple large-scale construction projects. Engineered merger with smaller upper-Nile firm. Successfully outmaneuvered three rival attempts at hostile takeover. Resigned after hostile takeover by Alexander the Great.

Son of God – Nazareth, Israel
(5 B.C. -30)
Served 35 years as God’s liaison on Earth. Performed miracles. Spurred worldwide worship movement.

References available upon request.

To Be Delivered Upon Reciept of my Nobel Prize in Literature

Dear Colleagues,

I cannot begin to express my gratitude for the honor that you have bestowed upon me with this notable award. I cannot thank you, my dear colleagues and friends, enough. Thank you!

[applause]

Though I am not usually one to toot my own horn [laughs], I must tell you the remarkable story of this literary project. I hope that I do not bore you; I’m not much of a story teller.

This award is an incredible accomplishment, one that I worked half-heartedly for almost six months to achieve. I cannot begin to express how easy it was for me to win. You cannot fathom the ease with which I went about winning this Nobel Prize.

[applause]

Throughout my life, I have had a vague desire to write something meaningful, but until recently I lacked the motivation or confidence in my skills to pursue my “dream.” I spent most of my time drinking and complaining about the state of the world, consumed by bitterness and cynicism. Indeed, my behavior and attitude is much the same today as it was then.

[applause]

By the time I hit 43, I had spent two decades as a disgruntled Federal Express courier in Clayton, Alabama. My doctor told me that my alcohol abuse had left my organs in disrepair, and I could expect to need costly transplants within ten years. I had neglected to save a nest egg, and could not turn to my estranged family for assistance. Something had to be done.

[applause]

I resolved to write a book. With strong sales I figured I could earn enough royalties to pay for care of my decrepit body as it disintegrated piece by piece. But I didn’t have any ideas. So I ordered a book of plots online, and after several minutes of deliberation, chose plot number 387 as the basis for my book.

[applause]

Of course, I had never bothered to develop my faculties as a writer, and my prose was quite crude. So I hired a young English student at the local state college to ghostwrite and edit for me. I would write about a paragraph, and she would change it all around and expand it to several pages. Within six months, we had several hundred pages extrapolated from plot 387; that is, the cheating husband/closet-homosexual wife/prying neighbor plot. Those of you who have read the book may recognize those elements from my story.

[applause]

When we were ready to publish, I ran into trouble. No publisher was initially willing to consider my book for a real printing run. But I resolved to overcome this minor setback. Promising my ghostwriter a cut of the profits, I convinced her to seduce the vice-president of marketing for Random House. She was a charming and attractive young woman, and had a remarkable way with words. Within a couple months I had a contract for a five-thousand copy run. Quite an accomplishment for a first book!

[applause]

After that, it was all gravy. My book won the New York Times Book Award, the Los Angeles Times Book Award, the Pulitzer, the Faulkner Award, the Caldecott Medal, and now the Nobel Prize for Literature. Here I am today, before you, after a shockingly easy run to the top. Thank you once again for the million dollars. I have no other comments. If the press would like to field questions, please see my lawyer.

[applause]

Gays Are Hopeless Sinners

Recently there has been a debate in the editorial pages of our fine rag regarding gays and their supposed rights. Have we lost our minds? Clearly there should be no debate. Gays are the hell-spawn of Beelzebub. They are evil sick perverts who hate America and degrade the sanctity of our most precious traditions, such as paternalism, spreading freedom, and the marriage of one subordinate woman to one dominant man. If we allow gays to take over, the human race will quickly die off from AIDS and lack of procreation, a form of implicit punishment so perfect that only God could have engineered it.

First of all, a lot of armchair generals here on campus apparently have a problem with the military’s ban on gays. Obviously, their raving homophilia has rendered them unable to critically analyze the issue. How can a gay who loves men be expected to kill men? There is no room in the military for gays because they cannot be trusted to resist the advances of enemy troops. It is entirely within the scope of reason to imagine that if the military was compromised by gays, we would not have achieved our stunning victories in Afghanistan and Iraq, and ten million women and children never would have voted.

Furthermore, if gays are allowed to marry, as has been suggested by several flaming sodomites, people will soon be marrying rocks and sheep, or even multiple rocks and sheep at the same time. In the Bible it says that marriage has always been between one man and one woman. This is an integral part of the Judeo-Roman nation that Thomas Franklin and the other Founding Fathers created in the summer of 1769. Benjamin Harrison certainly wouldn’t have wanted gays to be married, and neither would Jesus. This was so well understood in the late sixteenth century that a constitutional amendment articulating it was not considered necessary, something our President and many individual states have recently been working hard to rectify in the face of terrifying whordes of uppity gays. The thought of a gay marriage is also anathema to anyone who respects the rights of the unborn child. Gays’ routine bouts of sodomy subject millions of potential children to the risk of never being conceived, and thus are not much different from mass murder. Besides, if the gays marry, they may be allowed to adopt children, and we will have on our hands a whole new generation of sexually abused homosexuals to institutionalize.
Gays and other pot-smoking communists continually assert that God loves everyone, including hopeless sinners like themselves. God doesn’t love everyone; first of all, He’s not gay. God loves some heterosexual people butt definitely hates all gays. Jesus made His commandments regarding homosexuality very clear, according to scholars at the Church of the Southern Scientist of Latter-Day Resurrection of the Lord Chapel, who have unearthed a lost testament in caves around the Dead Sea. In plain Israeli, it says that Jesus condemned all gays to eternal hellfire during His last hours nailed to the cross. Then, when he came back from the dead, He once again spouted a caustic tirade against sodomy, homosexuality, gays in the military, and abortion sluts. The scrolls clear up any moral disputes we may have previously had about these issues.

Once, I met a gay. Some gays at least have the decency to loath themselves, butt this guy was shameless. He even had an ear ring—in his right ear. Needless to say, I refused to speak to him, butt his mere presence was seriously alarming. Don’t gays have to register in some sort of national database or something? They are a public health risk; just look at Africa, the gayest of continents, judging from its AIDS rate. Millions of people around the world are dying as a result of homosexuals’ promiscuity and gay myths about how condoms can stop AIDS. Thank God we have a new Pope with strongly conservative roots who will continue to debunk the gay lies about condoms and make sure none of the priests are gay, and a President who understands that what Africa needs is fewer condoms and gays, not more American-subsidized sodomy.

We should be emulating the policies of progressive countries like Saudi Arabia in regards to the Gay-Lesbian-Transhomo-Whoknowswhatitis community. In Saudi Arabia, they have a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy that extends to all society, enthusiastically enforced by the mutaween. Perhaps George W. Bush should consider forming a similar group of mullahs to enforce morality here in America. Such a group is desperately needed right now, what with the proliferation of wholesale gay propaganda like the children’s shows “Spongebob Squarepants” and “The Teletubbies.” The gays are getting them early these days, and not just on the internet. That’s just gay.

The Story of a Team

The team played some American sport; maybe they were pros or maybe just teenagers,
But probably both

They sucked at first. There were some bad social dynamics going on. One guy on the team was kind of a jerk, maybe he was the captain or maybe he was just jealous because he wasn’t

One guy on the team was just a really good guy. Everyone gave a shit about him, except maybe the jerk. He liked a certain girl but she was with this other asshole, who it was later discovered she didn’t really like.

In the beginning of the season, the team lost a lot. Or maybe they were winning.

Then they came up against this other team that was somehow evil. The leader of this team just oozed evil. Though the battle was close, the evil team triumphed at last, and then talked a bunch of shit, and oozed hubris arrogance and evil.

The team was really down after their big loss. Maybe they then suddenly lost their groove and they started loosing. Good guy still can’t get the girl. Mean guy is perhaps starting to show some admirable qualities related to his meanness.

Then some stuff happened, and the team finds themselves in the championship. And who are they playing against but the evil team. The girl is rooting them on. The good guy gets some inspiration from this.

The score is really close the whole time. Both teams are playing their hardest. Evil leader makes some good plays. Good guy makes a good play. Mean guy suddenly is cool and is encouraging good guy. Palpable development of sympathy for mean guy occurs. Maybe he just had a bad childhood but is really good deep down.

It looks really bad for good team at last. Evil team begins premature celebration.
Then good guy makes really miraculous play and good team wins by a hair. Evil team stunned. Evil leader perhaps begins outburst but is quickly forgotten by jubilant crowd.

The mean guy has now completed a shift toward a rough sort of good. Some other peripheral people are being very characteristic. However, the most important thing is that the good guy got the girl. She only liked that other guy for his money/looks anyway, and good guy made such a good play there in the end.

Compilation of Alabama Place Names

Boaz
Crossville
Mountainboro
Albertville
Guntersville
Bucks Point
Langston
Fyffe
Hillboro
Tuscumbia
Cherokee
Russellville
Phil Campbell
Hackleburg
Vina
Hodges
Guin
Gu-Win
Beaverton
Nauvoo
Fayette
Belk
Ethelsville
Gordo
Pickensville
McMullen
Tuscaloosa
Geiger
Epes
Boligee
Eutaw
Forkland
Chickasaw
Faunsdale
Toxey
Gilbertown
Millry
Fulton
Chatom
McIntosh
Creola
Bayou La Batre
Elberta
Pensacola
Milton
Eunola
Slocomb
Malvern
Dothan
Chattahoochee
Gordon
Cowarts
Grimes
Pinckard
Haleburg
Eufaula
Opelika
Lake Ogletree
Loachapoka
Notasulga
Roanoke
Lineville
Wedowee
Waldo
Talladega
Hobson City
Fruithurst
Weaver
Dutton
Henagar
Pisgah
Ider
Mentone
Hammondville
Hytop
Arab
Baileyton
Cullman
Snead
Blountsville
Hanceville
Hokes Bluff
Ragland
Ohatchee
Odenville
Moody
Trussville
Lipscomb
Hoover
Hueytown
Fultondale
West Blocton
Thorsby
Jemison
Clanton
Sylacauga
Gantts Quarry
Childersburg
Wetumpka
Elmore
Deatsville
Prattville
Shorter
Tuskegee
Tallassee
Notasulga
Opelika
Loachapoka
Dadeville
Jacksons Gap
Clayton
Ozark
Pinckard
Clayhatchee
Goshen
Luverne
Petrey
Flomaton
Atmore
Vredenburgh
Beatrice
Locust Fork
Blountsville
Oneonta
Allgood
Altoona
Baileyton
Cullman
Sipsey
Arley
Dora
Sumiton
Billingsley