Recently there has been a debate in the editorial pages of our fine rag regarding gays and their supposed rights. Have we lost our minds? Clearly there should be no debate. Gays are the hell-spawn of Beelzebub. They are evil sick perverts who hate America and degrade the sanctity of our most precious traditions, such as paternalism, spreading freedom, and the marriage of one subordinate woman to one dominant man. If we allow gays to take over, the human race will quickly die off from AIDS and lack of procreation, a form of implicit punishment so perfect that only God could have engineered it.
First of all, a lot of armchair generals here on campus apparently have a problem with the military’s ban on gays. Obviously, their raving homophilia has rendered them unable to critically analyze the issue. How can a gay who loves men be expected to kill men? There is no room in the military for gays because they cannot be trusted to resist the advances of enemy troops. It is entirely within the scope of reason to imagine that if the military was compromised by gays, we would not have achieved our stunning victories in Afghanistan and Iraq, and ten million women and children never would have voted.
Furthermore, if gays are allowed to marry, as has been suggested by several flaming sodomites, people will soon be marrying rocks and sheep, or even multiple rocks and sheep at the same time. In the Bible it says that marriage has always been between one man and one woman. This is an integral part of the Judeo-Roman nation that Thomas Franklin and the other Founding Fathers created in the summer of 1769. Benjamin Harrison certainly wouldn’t have wanted gays to be married, and neither would Jesus. This was so well understood in the late sixteenth century that a constitutional amendment articulating it was not considered necessary, something our President and many individual states have recently been working hard to rectify in the face of terrifying whordes of uppity gays. The thought of a gay marriage is also anathema to anyone who respects the rights of the unborn child. Gays’ routine bouts of sodomy subject millions of potential children to the risk of never being conceived, and thus are not much different from mass murder. Besides, if the gays marry, they may be allowed to adopt children, and we will have on our hands a whole new generation of sexually abused homosexuals to institutionalize.
Gays and other pot-smoking communists continually assert that God loves everyone, including hopeless sinners like themselves. God doesn’t love everyone; first of all, He’s not gay. God loves some heterosexual people butt definitely hates all gays. Jesus made His commandments regarding homosexuality very clear, according to scholars at the Church of the Southern Scientist of Latter-Day Resurrection of the Lord Chapel, who have unearthed a lost testament in caves around the Dead Sea. In plain Israeli, it says that Jesus condemned all gays to eternal hellfire during His last hours nailed to the cross. Then, when he came back from the dead, He once again spouted a caustic tirade against sodomy, homosexuality, gays in the military, and abortion sluts. The scrolls clear up any moral disputes we may have previously had about these issues.
Once, I met a gay. Some gays at least have the decency to loath themselves, butt this guy was shameless. He even had an ear ring—in his right ear. Needless to say, I refused to speak to him, butt his mere presence was seriously alarming. Don’t gays have to register in some sort of national database or something? They are a public health risk; just look at Africa, the gayest of continents, judging from its AIDS rate. Millions of people around the world are dying as a result of homosexuals’ promiscuity and gay myths about how condoms can stop AIDS. Thank God we have a new Pope with strongly conservative roots who will continue to debunk the gay lies about condoms and make sure none of the priests are gay, and a President who understands that what Africa needs is fewer condoms and gays, not more American-subsidized sodomy.
We should be emulating the policies of progressive countries like Saudi Arabia in regards to the Gay-Lesbian-Transhomo-Whoknowswhatitis community. In Saudi Arabia, they have a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy that extends to all society, enthusiastically enforced by the mutaween. Perhaps George W. Bush should consider forming a similar group of mullahs to enforce morality here in America. Such a group is desperately needed right now, what with the proliferation of wholesale gay propaganda like the children’s shows “Spongebob Squarepants” and “The Teletubbies.” The gays are getting them early these days, and not just on the internet. That’s just gay.
First of all, a lot of armchair generals here on campus apparently have a problem with the military’s ban on gays. Obviously, their raving homophilia has rendered them unable to critically analyze the issue. How can a gay who loves men be expected to kill men? There is no room in the military for gays because they cannot be trusted to resist the advances of enemy troops. It is entirely within the scope of reason to imagine that if the military was compromised by gays, we would not have achieved our stunning victories in Afghanistan and Iraq, and ten million women and children never would have voted.
Furthermore, if gays are allowed to marry, as has been suggested by several flaming sodomites, people will soon be marrying rocks and sheep, or even multiple rocks and sheep at the same time. In the Bible it says that marriage has always been between one man and one woman. This is an integral part of the Judeo-Roman nation that Thomas Franklin and the other Founding Fathers created in the summer of 1769. Benjamin Harrison certainly wouldn’t have wanted gays to be married, and neither would Jesus. This was so well understood in the late sixteenth century that a constitutional amendment articulating it was not considered necessary, something our President and many individual states have recently been working hard to rectify in the face of terrifying whordes of uppity gays. The thought of a gay marriage is also anathema to anyone who respects the rights of the unborn child. Gays’ routine bouts of sodomy subject millions of potential children to the risk of never being conceived, and thus are not much different from mass murder. Besides, if the gays marry, they may be allowed to adopt children, and we will have on our hands a whole new generation of sexually abused homosexuals to institutionalize.
Gays and other pot-smoking communists continually assert that God loves everyone, including hopeless sinners like themselves. God doesn’t love everyone; first of all, He’s not gay. God loves some heterosexual people butt definitely hates all gays. Jesus made His commandments regarding homosexuality very clear, according to scholars at the Church of the Southern Scientist of Latter-Day Resurrection of the Lord Chapel, who have unearthed a lost testament in caves around the Dead Sea. In plain Israeli, it says that Jesus condemned all gays to eternal hellfire during His last hours nailed to the cross. Then, when he came back from the dead, He once again spouted a caustic tirade against sodomy, homosexuality, gays in the military, and abortion sluts. The scrolls clear up any moral disputes we may have previously had about these issues.
Once, I met a gay. Some gays at least have the decency to loath themselves, butt this guy was shameless. He even had an ear ring—in his right ear. Needless to say, I refused to speak to him, butt his mere presence was seriously alarming. Don’t gays have to register in some sort of national database or something? They are a public health risk; just look at Africa, the gayest of continents, judging from its AIDS rate. Millions of people around the world are dying as a result of homosexuals’ promiscuity and gay myths about how condoms can stop AIDS. Thank God we have a new Pope with strongly conservative roots who will continue to debunk the gay lies about condoms and make sure none of the priests are gay, and a President who understands that what Africa needs is fewer condoms and gays, not more American-subsidized sodomy.
We should be emulating the policies of progressive countries like Saudi Arabia in regards to the Gay-Lesbian-Transhomo-Whoknowswhatitis community. In Saudi Arabia, they have a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy that extends to all society, enthusiastically enforced by the mutaween. Perhaps George W. Bush should consider forming a similar group of mullahs to enforce morality here in America. Such a group is desperately needed right now, what with the proliferation of wholesale gay propaganda like the children’s shows “Spongebob Squarepants” and “The Teletubbies.” The gays are getting them early these days, and not just on the internet. That’s just gay.
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