The slow economy got you in the financial doldrums? Fear not. There are myriad simple ways to cut every day expenses and increase your income. Consider the following.
1. Cut out the tips. They’re not really mandatory. You’ll save over 10% on everything that you used to tip for. If you are given a hard time for this habit, claim that you are of the Jewish faith. The Torah forbids tipping.
2. If you’ve got kids in college, you how hard it can be to make ends meet. But if they’re in college, they’re over 18, and you have no legal obligation to them. Cut them off and make them pull their own weight. Most likely, they'll drop out, because studies show that college graduates scarcely make any more money than dropouts anymore. One way or another, the experience will build character.
3. Rein in the food budget by eating cheaper foods like Spam, Chef Boyardee, Ramen, and Spaghetti-Os. Cup O’ Noodles is a nutritious alternative to the homemade alternative. Try Cheez-Whiz in place of real cheese. Garnish with French’s yellow instead of Dijon, etc. You can also save on beer and liquor by buying brands like Shlitz, Miller, and Winer’s Cup.
3a. Not eating is an attractive alternative to eating, given the great cost savings. Prisoners at Aushwitz-Berkenau were known to eat little more than bread crusts and water, and some of them survived for several years.
4. If your house has a garage, consider renting it to an illegal immigrant and parking the car outside. Even the average broom closet is big enough to sleep one illegal immigrant, due to their short stature and modest requirements. Check your floorplan; you might be able to stick three or four immigrants in your house. Also consider parking a travel trailer in the front and back yards, connecting them to household utilities with a combination of extension cords and garden hoses. Dispose of black water from the trailers in a lawn sump.
5. Whenever you joint casual acquaintances to a bar or restaurant and accrue a common bill, pretend to have “forgotten your wallet.” The others will cover you. Avoid them thereafter and they will eventually forget. Be sure to maximize the potential of this money-saver by gorging yourself on a series of the most expensive dishes available every time you forget your wallet.
6. Hire illegal immigrants to do your work. You can gouge them in whatever way you'd like because they have no legal recourse.
7. Whenever dining at a pizza parlor or similar establishment, ask for a “water” cup instead of ordering a drink. Then fill it with whatever beverage you really want at the soda fountain. Great way to save a few bucks here and there!
7a. Take a crate of empty Latin American Coca-Cola bottles and a capping machine to the pizza parlor with you. Order a drink, and then fill and cap all the bottles at the soda fountain. Sell them for cash to illegal immigrants at Home Depot.
7a.1. Don't report your extra income from selling Coke on your taxes. Use it to pay for Spam and Chef Boyardee, then tell the auditor that you starved all year.
8. Airfare is notoriously expensive. Overnight parcel delivery is much cheaper. Next time you really need to go somewhere, try a large FedEx box instead of coach class. Even cheaper is Greyhound’s courier service. The extra bucks just may justify the extra few days in the bus cargo bay. Be sure to also pack Spam, Gatorade, and poop bags.
9. Ailing relatives may request a certain type of memorial service or method of disposing their body. What they don’t mention is that they actually have no sway over you once they’re dead! The cheapest way to dispose of a body is to push it over a hillside. Skipping the funeral entirely can save thousands.
9a. If you choose to hold a funeral, extract the embalming fluid from the corpse of your relative during a viewing. Then change into a salesman's outfit, circle around the building, and knock on the door to the mortuary office. Develop and practice an irresistible pitch, and sell the fluid back to them. Great way to save a few bucks on funeral expenses.
9b. Start making a circuit of all the funerals in all the mortuaries in your city, and repeat the above set of actions.
10. If you’re a person of faith, you’ve probably put a few dollars in the collection basket every week. But the church accepts all worshipers regardless of whether they actually give them any money. Next time the basket comes around, casually pass it to the next person. Smile and suggest that they make up for your lack of a donation.
11. In major metropolitan areas, parking can be a real pain in the arm, and cost one too. If parking costs are really driving you up a wall (ha!), consider moving to the Kenyan island of Lamu, an auto-free society. The per capita income on Lamu is only $6 a year, but the extra time and savings on automobile expenses may just justify your diminished earning potential.
12. Use a Xerox machine to maximize the potential of your existing cash. Such duplicates are sometimes convincing enough to be used in dark restaurants and bars. Wear a fake mustache and a snowmobile suit over jogging attire when you try to spend your Xeroxed bills. If you are detected, quickly exit the establishment, dispose of your mustache and slip out of the snowmobile suit, hail a taxi, ride to the outskirts of town, skip on the fare and jog into the forest.
13. Establish a cache of high-limit credit cards buried in a special place at the outskirts of town. Find your cache, jog back out of the forest, pay your cab fare with a credit card, and order the driver to the airport. Buy a one-way ticket on the next flight to Harare, Zimbabwe. Then buy the entire contents of all the non-commission shops in the international terminal. Then pay to have everything loaded onto your flight as additional luggage. When you arrive in Harare, you will have sufficient capital to start a department store.
14. Once you get on your feet in Harare, seduce a local, marry him or her, obtain a Zimbabwean passport, and never return to the United States.
15. Take out a huge life insurance policy on your new spouse, then chain him or her to a bedpost and force him or her to eat a box of rat poison.
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1 comment:
HA. lol in real time. niiiice.
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