I Started This Essay Before Class

Nathaniel Page

Professor George Potamianos

History 9H

May 20, 2004

I Started This Essay Before Class

The Cold War started before class today. Tensions between the Truman and Stalin administrations had been ongoing, but only flared up at about 9:45 on Thursday when Stalin demanded Truman write him an essay detailing the reasons for his offensive foreign policy. Truman refused, and the nation was put on Defense Condition 4. Meanwhile, Russian cruisers were spotted off the coast of New Guinea, suggesting an ominous alliance between the two superpowers.

Alfred P. Sloan was reported to be in negotiations with the military for defense contracts by 9:50. He was quoted as saying “If America is to win this war, we must overcome all this negotiation nonsense.” Other dignitaries chimed in. Said the body of Prescott Bush, exhumed for consultation, “I say we nuke them now and then take their money and oil. But first my bank must have access to Russian markets for war material.”

By 9:55, people were seen flooding the streets of several small eastern Oregon towns, waving American flags and revving their trucks. Signs urged Congress to restart public executions and open the hunting season early. Truman, reacting to this monumental development, immediately flew to Miner’s Gulch in Air Force One to console the crowd and meet with local leaders, including Mayor Randy Buckhorn and council members. Buckhorn reassured the President that the situation was under control and that the city was stockpiling deer rifles for the resistance.

Back in Russia, the populace was equally enthusiastic for war. Sergei Malokavokavich, caught on the street by for an interview by Radio Moscow, confirmed that mood. “Yes, we are all happy here in Russia. We all love our dear leader Joseph Stalin. Whatever he wants we will do.” Sergei’s eyes darted back and forth with excitement. Then, without a word, he hurried into the nearest building.

All over the world, people are bracing for the fun and exciting times to come. CNN news has put up “Nuke Watch” cameras everywhere around Washington so that viewers can see the spectacular destruction no matter where it hits first. Vice President Dick Cheney spoke in Texas before a crowd of 5000 U.S. Marines, pledging to torture, rape, and kill all Russian enemies to freedom. “Though the Russians may hate us, we hate them more, so kill, kill, kill!” he shouted, pumping his fist, before collapsing at the podium, dead of a heart attack.

At 10:30, after succumbing to bottle of vodka laced by the CIA with enough LSD to kill a lesser man, Stalin was dancing around the Kremlin in western African tribal attire and had declared Kwanza a national holiday. Meanwhile, Truman by this time was hopelessly strung out from a rock of crack cocaine placed in his corncob pipe by the KGB, and had summoned Marion Berry to the White House for a party also attended by rap stars Dizzy Bone and Dirt McGurt.