The Bohefus Gazette-- Excerpts From the Diary of Cletus Theodore Buckhorn, Esq.

Cletus Theodore Buckhorn passed away early yesterday morning when his Chevrolet Camaro overturned and exploded on SR 120 near Bohefus. Though his blood alcohol level was determined to have been .354 at time of death, Bohefus Police Cap. Duane Covington says that the accident was the result of Mr. Buckhorn swerving to hit a chuck weasel, which broke the vehicle's radial arm and sent it into a spin. "Cletus was such a drunk," says Cap. Covington, "A thirty-five [tenths of a percent blood alcohol level] probably meant he was pretty sober."

Mr. Buckhorn will be sorely missed by the Bohefus community. He is remembered for his gregarious manner and can-crushing exploits, says longtime girlfriend Sally Myer. "That 'Maro was his life," she says, "he died doing what he loved."

He is also survived by the couple's newborn daughter, Crystal.

Below are excerpts from Mr. Buckhorn's diary, reprinted with the permission of the family.

11/18/07
Dear Diary,
Got up.
Took a shit.
Drank some beers.
Werked on the Camaro.

11/19/07
Dear Diary,
Got up.
Took a shit.
Drank some beers.
Werked on the Camaro.

11/20/07
Dear Diary,
Got up.
Took a shit.
Drank some beers.
Werked on the Camaro.

11/23/07
Dear Diary,
It has been several days since we last spoke.
Got up.
Took a shit.
Drank some beers.
Werked on the Camaro.

11/24/07
Dear Diary,
Got up.
Tried to take a shit, but a hemorrhoid popped out, so I pushed it back in.
Drank some beers.
Werked on the Camaro.

11/25/07
Dear Diary,
Got up.
Took a burning hot shit.
Drank some beers.
Almost got the Camaro runnin, but it looks like the Thorton blower blew out.

11/26/07
Dear Diary,
Got up.
Took a shit.
Drank some beers.
Took the Ram down to Pisgah to get the triple cat-back exhaust for the Camaro.

11/27/07
Dear Diary,
Got up.
Took a shit.
Outta beer. Shit, gotta get some for the days out.
Werked on the Camaro.

11/28/07
Dear Diary,
Got up.
Toilets clogged. Gotta get under the trailer again.
Drank some beers.
Werked on the Camaro.

11/29/07
Dear Diary,
Got up.
Drank some beers.
Beau came over and we shot the shit.
Took a shit.
Worked on the Camaro.

11/30/07
Dear Diary,
Got up.
Took a shit. Damn toilets still clogged but when you gotta go you gotta go.
Drank some beers.
Worked on the Camaro.

12/1/07
Dear Diary,
Got up.
Took a shit.
Drank some beers.
Werked on the Camaro. Clayton didn’t say the damn radial arm was broke when he sold it to me! I’ll still drive it though.

12/2/07
Dear Diary,
Got up.
Took a shit.
Drank some beers.
Took the Camaro down to the SSI office and pick up my check. She’s runnin sweet!

12/3/07
Dear Diary,
Got up.
Took a shit.
Drank some beers.
Changed the oil in the Ram. Looks like its gonna take a while to soak through the lawn.
Clayton came over and we shot the shit. Said he’ll get me that radial arm soon as he gets that job down in Pisgah.

12/4/07
Dear Diary,
Got up.
Took a shit.
Drank some beers.
Werked on the Camaro. She aint runnin no more. Looks like the trany’s blown to shit too.

12/5/07
Dear Diary,
Got up.
Took a shit.
Drank some beers.
Emptied the tranny fluid outta the Camaro. Looks like its gonna take a while to soak through the lawn.

12/6/07
Dear Diary,
Got up.
Took a shit.
Drank some beers.
Clayton came over and we shot the shit. Says he’s gonna get me that tranny fixed soon as he gets that job down in Boligee.
Werked on the Camaro. Looks like the rear differential has been runnin dry for a while.

12/7/07
Dear Diary,
Got up.
Took a shit.
Drank some beers.
Sally came over and said she’s pregnant by me again. All I got was beers, so I gave her some.
Werked on the Camaro.

12/8/07
Dear Diary,
Got up.
Took a shit.
Drank some beers.
Decided to sell the Camaro back to Clayton. My angle is the things so damn messed up it aint worth a dime. But I didn’t tell him that!

12/9/07
Dear Diary,
Got up.
Took a shit.
Drank some beers.
Clayton came over and we shot the shit. Says he’ll get me that money for the Camaro soon as he gets that job down in Slocomb.
Ram broke down. Looks like the heads are blown.

12/10/07
Dear Diary,
Got up.
Toilets clogged. Gotta get under the trailer again.
Drank some beers.
Werked on the Ram.