Constitution of the United State of Alaska

We the supporters of Sarah Palin, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United State of Alaska.

Article 1. Freedom of Religion

Jesus is Lord and Savior. Anyone who don't like it can get the hell out.

Article 2. Marriage

Marriage shall be between one man and one woman who promises to respect and obey him forever.

2a. Homos and other queers are banished to the North Slope.

2b. Abortion is illegal, including in cases of rape or incest.

Article 3. Economic Policy

Gas shall not cost more than 30 cents a gallon.

3a. The Arctic National Wildlife Refuge is hereby eliminated and replaced by the Alaska Strategic Reserve for the Eternal Refueling of Quads, Dirtbikes, Pick-ups, Big Rigs, Snowcats, Generators, Power Boats, Motorhomes, and Tractors, Especially of the Competitive Variety.

3b. Not one square inch of the Republican Republic's sovereign territory shall be off-limits to muddin' or other wheelin' activities.

Article 4.

Each house shall quarter at least one soldier.

Article 5. Executive and Legislative Powers

President-for-life Sarah Palin gets executive and legislative powers.

Article 6. Veto Power

First-Dude-for-life Todd Palin gets veto powers by virtue of his being the man of the house.

Article 7. Judicial Power

Judicial power is vested in one Supreme Court of nine judges elected by the people. The judges must be clergy of the Pentecostal Church. Principles of conflicting parties may also choose to settle their differences by a no-holds barred cage fight, or by motorized jousting. In the former case, everything goes except eye-gouging, hooking or groin shots. In the latter case, contestants will race towards one another wielding pruning-saw lengtheners, aboard either dirtbikes or snow cats, depending on the season. In either case, Jesus will see to it that the best man wins.

7a. Duane “Dog” Chapman is hereby appointed Attorney General.

Article 8. Court Jester

Trig Paxton Van Palin is hereby named Court Jester.

Article 9. Decorations

The flag of the Republic shall depict President-for-life Sarah field-dressing a moose before an oil derrick.

9a. The national anthem is “Drill Here, Drill Now” by Aaron Tippin.

Article 10. Global Warming

National policy will be for the advancement of global warming.

Article 11. Taxes

There is a flat tax of 1% on income. All of it shall be spent on the military, specifically the Corps (Semper Fi!) Taxes shall never rise. Big-government boondoggles with our hard-earned money are prohibited. A war is never a boondoggle. In case of war, taxes are eliminated to stimulate the economy.

Article 12. John McCain

John McCain is persona non-grata in the Republic. He is officially not forgiven for losing to Monkey Hussein.

Article 13. Bad Luck.

Article 14. Education

Due to lack of funding, state schools are eliminated. Home schooling is encouraged. Ideal curriculum includes field-dressing game, handling automatic weapons, wheelin', and church on Sunday.

Article 15. Drug Policy

There shall be no wacky tobacco smoking or other hippie business.

15a. No drinking on Sunday, dammit.

15b. Drinking and driving is okay, as long as you don't get too drunk.

Article 16. Immigration

No Mexicans.

16a. No Muslims.

16b. No communists.

16c. No foreign-language speakers, except in cases of divine possession.

16d. No poorly-dressed Negroes.

16e. Applicants undergo a period of hazing.